Battlefield: Bad Company 2
See Red Faction: Guerrilla review.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Heavy Rain
This review is going to be a chronological representation of my entertainment and interactive thought bubbles while playing this game:
Huh? Oh, sweet. POW HAHA. OH FUCK. OH FUCK OH FUCK. HOLY SHIT OH FUCK YES OH GOD WHAT FUCK YES!!!! OH MY GOD NO HE OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME FUCK YES WHOO YES YES! OH MY GO- oh my... wait. Wait, what? What the... fuck? FUCK? What the fuck. Fuck that. Fuck this. FUCK. FUCK THIS GAME. FUCK IT. THE FUCK WAS THAT? Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! ... the fuck? Huh?
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Supreme Commander
Robers shoot the fucking shit out of everything and explode ALL OVER your computer but you are so far away you are in fact playing desktop icon arranging: the game (I will not review that game but it is not very good 5/5 stars - kritz.net) but also you have mech warriors and water.
TRANSFORMERS, ROBERTS IN THE SKIES is probably a better analogee for this game because they turn into xboxes. But xboxes are the inferior platform of choice so I would hardly call it an evolution of the interactive entertainment internet.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
F.E.A.R.
FIRST ENCOUNTER ASSAULT RECON, Holy fucking shit you guys that is the greatest name for a video entertainment device interactive system machine game in the entire fucking planet earth world. My pooper is literally detached from my torso and is living in a small house on the moon because this game not only has WEAPONS and MURDERING PEOPLE IN THEIR SPEAKING HOLE, but it has SLOW MOTION!!! It's too bad the rest of the game is fucking shit up the butt.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Call of Pripyat
See S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky review.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Mass Effect 2
Tits are awesome and aliens are awesome and when you put tits on aliens you get super awesome tits. On aliens.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
YOUR QUEST LIES IN THE HEART OF BATTLE
HOLY SHIT
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Crysis
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, you are the predator and you are murdering the ass loving fuck out of korea. There are many grass and interactive chickens to throw at korea but because you are invisible the game becomes transparent and interactive. While you can ice dudes in many entertainment ways, you eventually ice the entire korea and blue alians murder the fuck and your computer.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
BITCH PLEASE
FUCK EVERYONE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE TEN BUTTS.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Crackdown
Indisputably the most subtle and intelligent piece of interactive entertainment the industry has ever produced -- You play as the crackdown guy, who is forced to trial through many unspeakable endeavors that combine with the fantastic emotional narrative and compelling gameplay. This creates a synergy so near the precipice of perfection its enthralling nature is almost dangered as people are so compelled for innovation that the only problem is that the game is too good. One of the playable characters wears a sock over his head.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
GAMES OF THE Y'ALL
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves - PS3
Dragon Age: Origins - PC
Red Faction: Guerrilla - PC
inFamous - PS3
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood - PC
Batman: Arkham Asylum - PC
The Beatles: Rock Band - Xbox 360
Borderlands - PC
Skate 2 - Xbox 360
Killzone 2 - PS3
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Mass Effect
In this space Oprah, instead of playing as a black lady on television you play as a lady AND or man in space and you have weapons that you put on your body and you shoot all of the aliens and human people that speak to you. You do a lot of speaking almost as if you were on a talk show! AH HAHA. I was compelling to play this video device because of how you are in space and the entire space is under the attack of space people in space. You also have dialoging with space people. The red alian has four testicles!
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Clear Sky -- CHRISTMAS REVIEW SPECIAL
Post communist russia is a country in which you get attacked by wild bears and drink vodka, energy drinks and cans of beans. There are many aborigines that if you walk into them they will murder you because they are invisible like land mines. You are entertainmently tasked to murder the fuck out of a dude and in order to win the game you have to stalk him until he becomes catches on fire with your guns interactively.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
MIRROR'S EDGE -- CHRISTMAS REVIEW SPECIAL
In the year NEAR FUTURE the world has run out of colour. You play as an ETHNIC WOMAN and make things red by looking or shooting at them. The cutting scenes are made of idiots and I lowered the score of this entertainment game because of that. Merry Christmas!
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS -- CHRISTMAS REVIEW SPECIAL
Shit motherfuckers it's the most Christmasy time of the year - CHRISTMAS. And I can't think of a better holiday game than Dragon Age: Age of the Dragons. Dude this game has so much fucking Christmas spirit you'd think jesus started up a fucking LAN party and copied a bunch of god damn presents to your shared network folders. I played as a dwarf.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Frontlines: Fuel of War
Game's a piece of shit.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Left 4 Dead 2
YOU KILL THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE EARTH THREE HUNDRED TIMES OVER.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Forza 3
The Italians have always done things like this. You always drive fast, and you always wind. But thankfully you have the power of time travel because now you can drive for a long time and then do it again by losing. The graphics are intuitive and all of your weapons are in your mind and in your heart. You do what you need to do in order to do what you need to do. This is the true meaning for Forza 3, and this is how you win. You can also paint a car.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Brutal Legend
Much like in Black Jack you have an ace and a king, in Jack Black you have a guitar and weapons. You grow wings in order to play because this is a role time strategy where you have people make funny words with their faces but otherwise are really bad to play.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
InFamous
You play as electricity in this compelling action adventure role playing shooting game. Because you are electricity, all of your lightnings are guns. Homeless people HATE YOU.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Serious Sam First Encounter HD
YOU KILL THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE EARTH THREE TIMES OVER.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Far Cry 2
Set in post apocalyptic Africa you play as one of a bunch of pairs of arms in your adventures to save all the guns. You will be emotionally because all of the guns are DESTROYED BY YOUR ARMS which is IRONY.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Modern Warfare 2
OOOOHHHHG OOOODD OH GOD OH MY WHAT OH MY GOD THIS IS
OOOOOOHHHHHH DAAAAAMNNNN WTHIS WAS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SHIT MYYYYY GOD? HOLY SHIT THIS DAAAMNNNNNNNNNN GAME IS ALL MY FU WHAT IS CAN'T BE OH SNAAAP SON IT GOT SO DAMN REAL IT GOT SO REAL SO REAL SO REAL SO REAL SO DAMN REAL OH MY SO REAL GOD OH GOD SHIT FUCK
OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD OH MY GOD
I'M SO BAKED MAN
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
THERE ARE FIVE STARS.
IF I AWARD ONE STAR FOR EACH ASPECT OF A VIDEO ENTERTAINMENT DEVICE CARTRIDGE GAME,
HOW MANY GAMES DOES THAT MAKE?
Two plus a movie, apparently.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET
Fallout 3
This online internetactive entertainment by Bethesda Software is a role played game where you murder the fuck out of the future. Set in America, you have the ability to kill people and steal their clothes until they die. If you play this game from the third person your cock will be really small because of how shit it is.
5/5 STARS -- KRITZ.NET